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But how do you spot a male feminist if he’s not at an abortion rights rally wearing a “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt? After all, as Aziz Ansari said on David Letterman’s show recently, everyone’s a feminist now. So go ahead, alert Susan Patton, Lori Gottlieb and the rest of the get-married-already crowd: A 30-something single woman, eggs unfrozen, is telling other single women that they should dare to want it all if they ever hope to have it all.“Both my partner and I have known butches who are so into being butch that it can be like dating a man who’s a bit sexist,” lesbian writer Donna Minkowitz, 50, tells me.“And I’ve known gay couples who are so rigid in their gender division one man doesn’t want his partner to work, wants him to stay home with the kids.” Minkowitz thinks that sometimes straight people fear that if they try to have an egalitarian relationship, sexual attraction will suffer.But if I want to spend time with someone and see if there’s something there, I’m comfortable initiating a first date — or a non-date date, depending on how bold I’m feeling.In fact, I was so bold when it came to love that when I was having trouble mustering the chutzpah to apply for a promotion a few years ago, a friend said to me, “Lisa, if this job were a guy, you would’ve gone on a first date already.” That was all it took for my workplace assertiveness to kick in.“That’s an unnecessary worry,” she says, “because you can still admire the way a person is masculine or feminine without buying into a whole socioeconomic package that goes along with that.” When it comes to that attraction, a feminist man makes sure — verbally — that his partner is on board, rather than just forging ahead.“Never assume I’d like it there,” as Annie Werner, a 25-year-old who works for Tumblr in New York, says when talking about the importance of sexual consent.

(Both.) Is he sexist if he cancels an Uber ride because a female driver is on her way to pick the two of you up?

Instead it’s a wholehearted yes, a lukewarm maybe or Can you define what you mean by “feminist,” please?

It didn’t work out with any of those men, but going out with them made it all the more obvious to me what I want a partner to be: cute, smart, funny and . Unless you think Beyonce shouldn’t have the right to vote, should earn 23 percent less than Jay-Z and should be at home cooking rather than performing. Few guys will proudly say no when asked if they’re feminists.

When I spoke to Samhita Mukhopadhyay, a former executive editor of and the author of “Outdated: Why Dating Is Ruining Your Love Life,” she complained about men’s online profiles that list their favorite musicians and writers, but don’t include a single woman. I’ve long believed that dating like a feminist — which often involves making the first move — will weed out many of the guys with more rigid ideas about gender and relationships.

It might also help identify the feminist man who doesn’t want to come on too strong or who feels it isn’t necessarily his responsibility to signal interest.

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